Stop Competing to Increase Harmony in Your Relationship

Most people enjoy succeeding or winning. But needing to be right or constantly competing with your partner is detrimental to your relationship. Too frequently, scorekeeping leads to hard feelings. It increases tension and fear and reduces trust. Side-stepping competition in your relationship makes for a more harmonious home.

Couples compete on many points: 

  • who apologizes most; 

  • who makes more money; 

  • who does more at home; 

  • who has the better job; 

  • who does more at the church or in the community; 

  • who is more involved with the kids; 

  • who has better friends? 

The possibilities are endless. Underneath it all, the source of competition can be insecurity and the need for external validation or approval from others. Some use being right or best to prove their worth and boost their sense of self.

Does it have to be a competition?

Consider the following questions:

  1. Do I have to have the last word? Do I have to prove that I am right?

  2. Am I gleeful when I can prove my partner wrong? Am I watching for ways my partner missteps or stumbles so I can point it out?

  3. How am I inviting competition into our relationship? What could I say, do or think that might help reduce the sense of competition?

  4. Do I express gratitude to and about my partner? Could I do this more often?

Decreasing the competition begins with you.

You cannot control what your partner says or does, but you can start to make different choices for yourself.

  • Choose to cooperate rather than compete in your relationship. Recognize that when you both win, your joy is doubled. If you have to win, you make your partner lose.

  • Learn to enjoy your partner’s accomplishments. Become each other’s best cheer section.

  • Try competing with yourself instead of with your partner. Perhaps you can find little ways that you can be better each day. Challenge yourself to find your personal best. Stop comparing yourself to your partner or others.

  • Take responsibility for self-validation. Do not allow your self-worth to be negatively impacted by recognizing and admitting that you were wrong. Releasing the need to win all the time may make your life more enjoyable.

If you want to stop competing as a couple, start by making different choices yourself. You can then invite your partner to talk things through. When you talk things through, remember to listen twice as much as you talk.

Consider ending the competition between you and striving to be a team, cooperating as you win together.

Susan Derry