Number One Communication Skill

Perhaps there is a reason that we have two ears and one mouth. Much of our ability to connect with each other depends upon our openness to hearing what is said. Attentive listening helps us to feel seen and valued. Our attention is a priceless gift that we offer to those we love. Listening with our ears and our hearts is the number one communication skill. 

Listening Do's:

Encourage

  • Help your partner feel safe in sharing (See below for ways to discourage your partner from talking).

  • Draw your partner out (Be curious, put your phone down, make eye contact).

Be Attentive

  • Your body language should say, "I am listening." (Lean in, make eye contact, put your phone down).

  • Use short verbal responses to show interest (Nod your head, smile or not depending on what they are sharing).

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Clarify

  • Ask questions if you are unsure of exactly what your partner means.

  • Tell them what you are hearing and ask if you understand correctly (______ is what I think you are saying—have I got it right?)

  • "It seems to me that you are feeling ________."

  • "Are you saying ________ ?" "Have I understood you correctly?"

Validate

  • Acknowledge your partner's feelings (It seems that you are feeling _____, and it makes perfect sense that you would feel that way).

  • Validation does not mean that you agree with what they are saying or how they are feeling; it just means doing the best you can to see things from their perspective.

  • Say things like, "That must have been frustrating."

Listening Don'ts:

Advise

  • Keep the "why don't you" and "maybe you should" to yourself.

  • Please pay attention to what they are saying rather than thinking of what you should be saying.

Assume

  • Don't assume you know how your partner is thinking or feeling.

  • Don’t tell them how they feel or think, "What's really bothering you is ____."

  • Don’t mock their attempts to share, "Your insecurities are showing."

Globalize

  • Avoid using global terms such as always and never.

  • Stay specific to what is happening now.

Judging

  • Avoid "You are ______," types of statements.

  • Avoid judging the process by saying things like, "Now we are getting somewhere."

Cheerleading

  • Avoid "Don't worry, everything will be all right." types of statements.

  • Avoid trying to pacify with statements like, "You did what anyone would do."

Susan Derry