Correcting Faulty Beliefs in Relationships
Our beliefs about relationships have a massive impact on the success of our relationships. Faulty assumptions can cause much frustration and disappointment. Flawed assumptions will lead to problems in our relationships. If our beliefs are faulty or destructive, we need to modify them to closer align with reality. Some examples of faulty beliefs and more accurate counterparts:
Reality
Faulty belief
If you lose who you are, she or he will lose interest.
If I love him or her, I should give up my interests or friends for him/her.
You are setting yourself up for disappointment if you do not tell them what you want.
I should not have to ask what I want; if they loved me, they would know.
If you make yourself a doormat, do not be surprised if your partner treats you like a doormat.
The more I give, the more she or he will love me.
You cannot change your partner, but you can choose to be happy.
He or she needs to change so that I can be happy.
Criticism damages relationships and builds resentment in both of you.
Pointing out his or her mistakes will help him or her want to change.
There are many acceptable options.
I know what is best; my way is the right way.
Punishment leads to a build-up of resentment.
If I am hurt, angry, or disappointed, I should punish my partner; this will make them change.
Constant correcting gives the message she or he is not good enough and causes resentment.
I need to correct my partner and tell her or him how to do things properly.
Romance and sex do not naturally die out, but failing to stoke the fire can leave things cold.
Romance and sex decline over time; it is inevitable.
Ignoring problems eventually create more conflict and poisons the relationship.
Ignoring problems avoids conflict and means I do not have to deal with them.
Stuffing anger rather than talking about what is bothering you may cause you to explode inappropriately or lead to depression and withdrawal from the relationship.
I stuff my anger away so that I will not hurt him or her.
We need to assess our beliefs and be honest with ourselves about whether they are constructive or destructive. Consider what effect hanging on to some of the assumptions mentioned above will have on the relationship. Sometimes beliefs that seem to be reasonable or even positive can be detrimental because they are faulty. Changing beliefs requires awareness and effort, but the rewards make it worthwhile.