5 - 3 - 1 Formula for Successful Relationships
Two main things contribute to those feelings of being in love with your partner. First your loving feelings are affected by how you feel about yourself when you are interacting with your partner. And secondly your loving feelings are amplified or diminished by your thoughts, words and behavior toward and about your partner. If your thoughts, words and actions are negative, your loving feelings will be diminished. If your thoughts, words and actions are loving, chances are your heart will be warmed toward your partner.
The 5 – 3 - 1 formula was developed to help you uplift each other. If followed it will help you feel great about yourselves when you are interacting as a couple. It will also help you behave in ways that amplify your loving feelings toward each other.
If you want the simplified version just do the daily 5 – 3 - 1 formula. Each day repeat the following:
5
Give each other 5 sincere positive messages.
3
Wrap your arms around each other for 3 hugs lasting a minimum of 20 seconds.
1
At least once a day make sustained eye contact and smile (with your eyes as well as your mouth).
For more in depth results use the entire 5 – 3 - 1 formula for successful relationships:
Once a year repeat the following:
5
Learn or review 5 relationship-enhancing skills (read five articles or watch five videos or attend 5 coaching sessions that help you learn healthy relationship skills)
3
Set 3 relationship goals. Choose three goals to work on as a couple. Perhaps you want to practice a relationship-enhancing skill. Make your goals SMART – specific, measurable, achievable, relevant and time-bound. You can work on these one at a time if you prefer.
1
Go on 1 couple’s get away. Make it at least over night, preferably for a week. To count as a couple’s get away it must be just the two of you.
Once a month repeat the following:
5
Each of you share 5 happy memories from the past month. Reminiscing can help you bond and strengthen those positive moments.
3
Create a safe space for each of you to have 3 check in’s. This is an opportunity for each of you to clarify issues or concerns that you may have. Remember to use active listening. Carefully listen and validate before answering your partner’s concerns. Avoid accusatory language and avoid defensiveness.
1
Share 1 fun time together. If you don’t agree on how to have fun together take turns cheerfully participating with your partner doing their suggested activity.
Once a week repeat the following:
5
Each of you list 5 wins. Name five things that the two of you have done well together, enjoyed together, learned together etc. These can even be difficult experiences as long as the two of you pulled together rather than apart.
3
Notice and mention 3 strengths in your partner. Describe three wonderful qualities that your partner has or describe something about your partner that you appreciate, use specific examples of something they have done well in the past week.
1
Each of you make 1 request of the other that you feel may improve your relationship. Make your request specific and doable.
Each day repeat the following:
5
Give each other 5 sincere positive messages
3
Wrap your arms around each other for 3 hugs lasting a minimum of 20 seconds
1
At least once a day make sustained eye contact and smile (with your eyes as well as your mouth).
The simple 5 – 3 - 1 formula for successful relationships will help you bond as a couple. It will help you continue to amplify your love over time. You will be much more likely to avoid the common pit fall of taking each other for granted. So consider how your thoughts, words and actions may affect your partner’s image of him or herself. And consider how your thoughts, words and action affect your feelings toward your partner. And adjust accordingly.