Setting Smart Boundaries
If you notice yourself feeling resentful toward your partner or complaining about them, it might be time to consider setting a boundary or several. Healthy boundaries mean not allowing others to tell you how you are feeling, speak for you, or decide your opinion.
The process of setting boundaries begins by increasing your awareness of precisely what is bothering you and why. Then you decide where your ‘line’ in the sand is and communicate this to your partner respectfully and assertively.
Boundaries are not intended to control your partner’s behavior. Instead, they represent decisions you have made about how you will respond if certain things do or do not happen. You can make requests about your partner’s behavior, but you can only control your behavior. Healthy boundaries help you manage demands on your time and energy.
Make your boundaries SMART boundaries. SMART boundaries are:
S trong & sensible,
M otivated by self-respect,
A ssertively maintained,
R ealistic,
T ruthful and talk, talk, talk
Make sure you clearly define your boundaries for your partner. You cannot expect them to read your mind. Also, be patient with your partner as you request that your boundaries be recognized and respected, knowing that change can take time. You may have to repeat your boundaries several times.
Examples of boundaries
Requesting that your partner speak respectfully to you or your family.
Asking friends or family to text or call before stopping in.
Saying no to help when you prefer to do something on your own.
Asking your partner to help with children or responsibilities around the home.
Requesting some alone time.
Some things to remember when setting boundaries:
Own up to your contributions to the problem and identify how you might help improve things before requesting your partner change.
Hear your partner and be willing to consider their perspective.
Be loving and firm.
Stop rewarding your partner for breaching your boundaries. Instead, be firm with the consequences for boundary violations.
Simply say no. You do not have to explain or justify. You do not need your partner’s permission to have boundaries. Setting and maintaining boundaries is your responsibility.
If you ask your partner not to text you at work today because you are busy, but they continue to text, they are not accepting no for an answer. If they continually are unwilling or unable to take no for an answer, they are violating your boundaries.
It is essential to know the consequences for boundary breaches. What will your response be when your boundaries are crossed? Deciding ahead of time will help you better maintain your boundaries.
Some people have the mistaken notion that setting boundaries is selfish or mean. Especially because initially setting boundaries may make others annoyed. Some people back down quickly when they sense that their partner is upset with them, thus allowing their partner’s anger to control them. If you need help identifying, setting or maintaining healthy boundaries, counseling may help.
Below are the fundamental rights and responsibilities for boundaries:
Basic rights
I have a right to say no without guilt.
I have a right to be treated respectfully.
I have a right to consider myself and my needs as important as others.
I have a right to be accepting of myself and my shortcomings.
I have a right not to give in to others’ unreasonable expectations of me.
Basic responsibilities
I have a responsibility to accept no without punishing or guilting others.
I have a responsibility to treat others with respect.
I have a responsibility to be considerate of the needs of others.
I have a responsibility to be forgiving of myself and others.
I have a responsibility not to make unreasonable demands on others.
Healthy boundaries improve relationships. They not only reduce resentment in relationships, but the process of setting and maintaining boundaries increases the self-esteem of the boundary setter.