What I Have Learned in 44 Years of Marriage
We celebrated our 44th wedding anniversary this summer. We were married at 18 and 20 years of age, so we had a lot of growing up to do. Not that we were aware of that at the time. Over the years, we have had our share of struggles, but we have also found ways to keep falling in love over and over again.
I want to share a few of the things that I have learned about creating a lasting marriage.
Marriage creates a people growing crucible.
Marriage creates opportunities for us to grow as individuals and as a couple. A crucible is a container that can withstand the heat required to fuse metals. Our marriage can be a safe container that stands firm amid the trials that inevitably come as we become one. If we work at it, we can create mature love. As we grow and improve together, our relationship improves.
Prioritize the couple relationship.
Our children are very important, but they should not be more important than our partner. The greatest gift that we could give our children is parents who love and respect each other and work together as a team. There is so much security for children in a family where parents have a healthy relationship.
Be generous, especially when we least feel like it.
The reality is that loving feelings follow loving thoughts and actions. If we want to stay in love, we need to keep acting in love. Love is a verb, not a feeling.
Make use of forgiveness.
Making use of forgiveness means taking responsibility for our own choices and behavior, not throwing blame at each other. If we confess our own sins, rather than our partner’s sins, things will go better. Apologize quickly. Forgive when needed, even if it is just to regain our peace of mind. Remember, forgiveness does not mean that what happened is okay; it means that we let go of the resentment.
Be careful with anger.
When we think we are justified in our anger—we need to pause and think again. Anger is just a feeling, and we need to pay attention to it, figure out where the anger is coming from and ask ourselves what our anger is trying to tell us. However, it is never okay to unload a dump truck full of venom and frustration on our partner. We must get a hold of our self first so that we can respectfully tell our partner how we are feeling.
Set healthy boundaries.
We teach our partner how to treat us by what we put up with or what we accept. Being calm and firm when setting boundaries helps create boundaries that stick. When we have healthy boundaries, we focus on controlling what we can control—ourselves. And we respect that our partner has their own thoughts, feelings, opinions, and behaviors. We are willing to respect each other’s differences, even when we don’t like the differences. Healthy boundaries include couple boundaries, and we need to have each other’s back when it comes to extended family and friends.
Create relationship-enhancing habits.
Most of what we do in life, we do by habit. By choosing relationship-enhancing habits, we strengthen our relationship. Some relationship-enhancing practices are to talk and share, to touch and show affection, to plan and dream together, to work together, to play together, to SMILE, and express gratitude.
In relationships, the little things are the big things.
It is the little everyday choices that we make, how we greet each other, how we speak to each other. Moment by moment, we make choices that either nurture or erode our relationship.
I am grateful for the last 44 years that we have had together, and I am looking forward to the next 40.