Connection, Oxygen for Relationships

Connection is to relationships what oxygen is to living. Just as we would not survive for long without oxygen, relationships will wither and die from a lack of connection.  

Connecting with your partner lays the foundation for any intimacy, including sexual intimacy. Consistently building the connection between the two of you may be the single most crucial thing that you can do to improve the quality of your relationship.

Ways to build connection include:

Eye Contact

It may sound simplistic, but think about it, how often in the past week have you had any sustained eye contact with your partner? Making eye contact with your partner lets them know that they have your undivided attention. Remember that staring can seem confrontational. Practice making eye contact with your partner in a gentle and loving way. Flirt a little, enjoy.

Time Together

Spend time together. Plan for it. Make it a priority in your life. There should be times when everything else, including work, children, parents, screens, or friends, takes second place to your relationship. Take time to have fun together and enjoy one another’s company.

Talk

Talk to each other. Every day, find some way to talk, even if it has to be through email or texting. Reach out and make that connection. If you feel like you have nothing to say to each other, start small. Talk for a minute at a time and talk about something fun. Think of something interesting that has caught your attention and tell your partner about it. Tell them a joke that you have heard or describe something funny that happened to you. With a little bit of effort, you can rekindle that desire to talk to each other often.

Listen, Listen, Listen

When your partner wants or especially when they need to talk to you, if at all possible, stop what you are doing, give them your attention and really listen to what they are saying. The gift of a listening ear will help your partner feel much more connected to you. And who knows it may even make them more apt to listen when you want to talk.

Touch

Gentle non-sexual touching is a way to reach out and let your partner know that you notice them and that you care. Groping does not count, guys. I say guys not because I am trying to be sexist, but because there seems to be a difference in how open men and women are to unexpected sexual touch from their partner. Women tend to prefer receiving sexual contact after they are feeling aroused, where men tend to have much more of a “bring it” kind of attitude. Have you reached out to touch your partner today? Hold hands, squeeze your partner’s knee, let your toes touch under the table, spoon in bed, get creative, and find little ways to connect physically with your partner. 

Share

What should you share with your partner? Everything. But remember, there is no need to be hurtful when sharing with your partner. Share your thoughts, your feelings, your dreams, your fears. Share your time; share YOU.

Be Thoughtful

I am not referring to simply being kind or considerate. Find ways to let your partner know that you hear what they say, pay attention to the things that they like, and that you know them. Be thoughtful with gifts or acts of service. The perfect gift, whether it is a purchase, an experience, or a kind gesture, has little to do with the price tag and much more to do with helping your partner feel understood. If you don’t know your partner’s preferences, it is time to do some more listening, watching, and learning. You can have a deep connection when you truly know and respect each other.

Be Present

Many of the things that I have already mentioned will help you be present with your partner. But it is worth mentioning separately. Too often partners may be physically close together but there is still a great void between them. They may be absorbed in their screens, or in another world in their heads. Practice bringing yourself into your body and into the experience of being with your partner. Use your five senses to help you enter the present moment. When you become more mindful of simply being with your partner, you will have greatly increased the opportunity for you to connect deeply with each other. 

Just as life flourishes on earth because there is an abundance of oxygen, relationships can flourish when there is an abundance of positive connection. Make it a habit to connect daily with your partner. Eight ways to help you connect with your partner include eye contact, time together, talk, listen, touch, share, be thoughtful, be present. Take the challenge to do just a little better in making connection a natural part of your relationship.